‘Tradwife mat kaho na’

Sahini Banerjee Instagram food content creator who goes by the handle feashts posts a video with an unconventional recipe that came to her in a dreammdashbeetroot lava cakemdashand waits excitedly to see whether people will appreciate the creativity behind it Instead within hours a male follower comments ldquoShadi hamesha ache khane banane wali se karo Pyaar kam ho bhi jaye lekin khana swadisht rahegardquoPat comes her reply ldquoPyaar na hota toh hum yeh banate nahi Kaccha beet khila deterdquoSuch comments have become all too common on her videos something Sahini is not happy about at all There are men who remark that her husband Sunny who edits her videos and features in quite a few of them is lucky to have her Others wish their wives were like her cooking such a wide variety of dishes from scratchldquoI find this comparison between women very uncomfortable I cook because I enjoy it but just because I happen to be a woman it becomes genderedrdquo the 30yearold saysGhazala Afreen and Saloni ChopraThe tone of the comments brings to mind the tradwife subculture in Western social media The term refers to a lsquotraditional wifersquo and denotes women who practise traditional gender rolesBanerjee is best known for her Ei Sunny videos where she sweetly asks her husband ldquoEi Sunny ki khaabi Ey Sunny what do you want to eatrdquo and then goes on to cook a meal from scratch and serve it to him Since she started the popular series in 2021 several other young women have taken to cooking from scratch and sharing similar videosTo those who donrsquot follow Banerjeersquos account regularly on the surface it might seem like she is an Indian tradwife But shersquos affronted by this assumptionldquoThree or four times I have gotten messages from young women saying lsquoI want to be a tradwife like yoursquo They say all they want is a peaceful life and a husband they can cook for and who will love them This really worried me This idea is not something I want to put out into the world I donrsquot cook because I am Sunnyrsquos wife and he doesnrsquot like me just because I cook He doesnrsquot expect me to cook regularly either he knows I will do it when I feel like itrdquo says the Delhi resident who was a researcher at the Indian Statistical Institute in Kolkata before she switched to content creationAnd it is a fulltime job ldquoEach reel takes 17 hours just to conceptualise script storyboard shoot and edit Then writing out the recipes captions and posting it takes another couple of hours I am not a tradwife I work fulltime and make good money out of it Not for one moment do I want anyone to think I am promoting the idea of women leaving their jobs to become someonersquos wife You can be someonersquos wife while having your own interestsldquoIn fact even selfproclaimed tradwives are not traditional wives they are businesswomenrdquo she emphasises ldquoThey are selling a productmdashthemselvesmdashto other women Traditional wives are supposed to stay home and serve their husbands which is an archaic idea that shouldnrsquot exist anymorerdquoShe pushes back against the comments in different ways In one reel she says ldquoHow to get a wife like me Wives like me are made by supportive husbands like Sunnyrdquo addressing the most common refrain by men ldquoIrsquom also in the process of writing a script to tell young women not to be fooled by social media I know women take breaks from careers to raise children and my mother is a homemaker I donrsquot criticise that but I have a problem when young women want to quit their education or job because they think this is a softer liferdquo she saysShe has encouraged her camerashy husband to post more videos of him cooking on his own Insta handle level1cook ldquoIn reels people donrsquot always get to see our dynamic They think Irsquom there to serve my husband At home I donrsquot cook every day I cook in the studio Our cook or Sunny and my motherinlaw make our daily mealsrdquo she saysLike Banerjee 26yearold Ghazala Afreen delish_us_ too faced challenges On her videos of cooking a variety of items from scratchmdashburgers pasta ice creammdashshe gets comments like ldquoKitni achhi biwi hai iski jo bolta hai wo banati haihellipmeri wali to bolti hai ke khud bana khud kha aur mujhe bhi khilardquoldquoI said if his wife has requested him to cook he should try to make something shersquoll be happyrdquo says the Bengaluru content creator ldquoMen say they only want a wife who can cook like me but thatrsquos not why Saif married me He could have just hired a cook if thatrsquos what he wantedrdquoUnexpectedly Afreen gets quite a bit of hate from women particularly from the Muslim community ldquoI get messages saying that I am setting unrealistic standards for wives not everybody can afford the time and energy to cook such elaborate meals from scratch Some women lament that their husbands donrsquot even appreciate their efforts like Saif does They say lsquoThis is not reality itrsquos just a fantasyrsquo There are others who appreciate my videos and say they wish they could make these dishes too but their husbands never helprdquo says Afreen who used to be a corporate risk analyst ldquoIrsquom not a tradwife I just enjoy cooking Both my husband and I are feministsmdashthat one reason I married Saif He always contributes to cooking and cleaning But if I ever showed him doing that in a video Irsquod probably get offensive comments You canrsquot post anything on social media without someone taking it the wrong wayrdquo she saysWhile the tradwife movement is yet to officially make its way here therersquos a larger debate at play about women and agency The subculture has come under fire from feminists Others argue that feminism which is all about advocating agency for women should respect that this too is a valid choice That argument does not hold in India at least says actor filmmaker and writer Saloni ChopraldquoMost of our mothers wereare OG tradwivesmdashwithout followers or famerdquo she says ldquoThere already exists a culture that glorifies it Irsquom 100 per cent on board with women choosing to stay at home but in order for this to be a real choice women should be equally independent when they stop becoming wivesrdquoChopra is not surprised that so many women would rather stay home and cook ldquoWe donrsquot raise women to aspire to have ambition like we do menrdquo she says ldquoGirls grow up dreaming about their wedding day Women who stay at home are in fact working extra hours with zero time off no health support or any security The only thing you rely on is that your husband will continue to support you even if or when you disagree or disobey Letrsquos turn unpaid labour into paid labourmdashintroduce a wage for all the work women do in order for men to have jobs outside the house And then have a larger conversation about choicerdquoFamous tradwivesNara Aziza SmithNotable tradwives such as Nara Smith naraaziza and Hannah BallerinaFarm have built social media personas around cooking from scratch cleaning and childrearingmdashall in a dress and makeupmdashwhile the husband goes to work Smith is also infamous for making DIY suncreen Lucy Makes lucymakes_ once fermented cacao fruit roasted it and made chocolate from scratch because her husband was craving brownies