‘I felt like we were a proper couple whenever we went to the movies’

For instance the last person I truly was in love with just left one fine day and I havenrsquot heard of him till date Apparently he got married and has a family I never looked that way ever again Somehow it felt wrong especially given that we are looked at with worshipful eyes as having sacrificed everything to carry the Goddess on our heads and dedicate our lives to HerThis image gets sullied when we live with a man out of marriage Since the men do not intend to marry nor are there systems that can accommodate such marriages it is usually a relationship with no strings attached Most such arrangements are of convenience to the men but for us transgenders it often arises from a desperate need for the company of the opposite gender and the little pleasure that comes with itHowever the minute we realise that peoplersquos perception of us changes we tend to put that before our own desires at least as Jogathis community of transgender women sworn to follow goddess Yellamma who stick by tradition The trust that people have in us and our adherence to traditions canrsquot be sacrificed at the altar of our desires We have the right to seek love but we have a choice to make between earning the acceptance and respect of society and thisWhen I broke away from Kalavvarsquos group for a short while I rented a place in Hagaribommanahalli along with two others It was under their influence that I got involved with a man from a neighbouring village He was almost seveneight years younger than me He had a Bullet motorcycle on which he would take me to temples the theatre and around town and that brought me great joy I felt like we were a proper couple whenever we went to the movies or to restaurants We must have we watched Dr Rajkumarrsquos Bandhana three times I loved that movie it was a love storyBut gradually I noticed that people were distancing themselves from me She doesnrsquot look like a lsquoShetra Jogammarsquo they would mutter The affair lasted around three years but it began to earn me a bad name As often happened he started drinking and taking away my earnings I found myself trading the rice and jowar I earned as alms for money and buying good quality rice and jowar to make tasty food for him The two Jogathis who lived with me encouraged me while I kept spending on this man I had never lsquoboughtrsquo love like this before They kept telling me it was my job to take care of him and keep him happy as he was defying society to be with me He had chosen me over a wife and family and so I was dutybound to ensure his happinessIt was almost as if I was on a guilt trip whereas the reality was that they were having a good time at my expense For example they never cooked On the other hand I was a good cook and they ensured I remained trapped in the relationship while they enjoyed my cooking Meanwhile I defaulted on six months of rent as my finances got depleted People began to look down on me and this hurt Thatrsquos when I realised I couldnrsquot let this happen I called curtains on it and though it hurt it was a reliefHe is still around and gives me a call whenever he comes to Mariammanahalli We are very cordial to each other but I do not give him access to my life and I keep my distance Ending that relationship also helped me break away from the Jogathis who I realized were only taking me down the wrong track and get back to Kalavvarsquos group in GollarahalliExcerpted with permission from From Manjunath To Manjamma The Inspiring Life of a Transgender Folk Artist HarperCollins Indiamidday offers space to queer authors to share their latest work research and stories If the top court and your public representatives are at loggerheads over a gender law that could change the way India approaches her queer citizens you should hear it from the horsersquos mouth