Being a bad mom is good for you

Every mother needs a safe space to confess unholy thoughts And a mother is allowed to have many many of them ldquoThe idea of the sacrificing motherrdquo says mental health professional and sociologist Meenakshi Bhanj Deo ldquoor maa devi hai notion worked for the whole system and patriarchy This creates a lot of pressure on women who want to be a good motherrdquo So much so that many women go through PTSD because of itIt distributes emotional and domestic labour disproportionately burdening the women and even keeping them out of the economy so they remain dependent and easy to exploit It also keeps women unhappy which is good for the economy They will buy and buy clothes medication jewellery experiences just anything impulsively to fill the void of feeling unexpressed and unfulfilled And then buy some more of that which reinforces their identity as a motherMeenakshi Bhanj DeoldquoA woman is much more than her relationship with a man or a familymdasha mother sister or daughterrdquo says Salma Prabhu a clinical psychologist ldquoAnd it is her duty to ensure that this is understood by her near and dear onesrdquo Enter terms such as boundaries delegation and choiceStories are to identity what water is to fish and women are always told stories about what a good mother is To sacrifice a career hobbies interests lifegoals to raise children And when some women prioritise these there is dissonance with their identity pertaining to this exalted role This is not how a good mother thinks I have not seen myother moms leave children at home aloneldquoAnyone who takes the path of seeing herself as not just as a mother and wants to give time to other things which can be important too is villanisedrdquo holds Bhanj Deo And often times because it is seen a confession so shameful one may not find role models who have prioritised their other interests happiness needs and expression while being a momHere we have for you five ldquobadrdquo moms who did goodmdashwho give you permission to do motherhood your way in your versionAlso Read Asian Mango to Casareccia Salad Give yourself a refreshing boost try these summer salads at homeBakul Dua mother to 3monthold amp 3yearold boysWhat I bring to parentingmdashand that is not a word I lovemdashwhat I bring to the relationship is what I had with my dad He loved us to bits but we were not the centre of his or our momrsquos life There is deep attachment and healthy separationMy children know they are loved cherished and protected but also that my life has many other aspects I pour into my relationship with my partner through the onslaught of child bearing and rearing Then there is my work They know mama works and she has meetings and canrsquot be disturbed thenCertain choices I made as a mother are not by the book but by whatrsquos good for my mental health For instance I didnrsquot want to breastfeed I hated it I know the science and why itrsquos good for the mother and the child but it would make me a breastfeeding mum and nothing else for a while I did not like that sense of being tied down I would resent my children so they grew up on pumped milk and formulaI also donrsquot want my children to feel burdened by my unlived life We approach the relationship with irreverence Irsquom not special you are not special we are all ordinary people Letrsquos not take ourselves seriously I didnrsquot want any large shoes to fill in this familyMy children will be told you are not exceptional or entitled and that you owe me nothing Not a career respect or love You owe me a bit of listening to until you are 18 or 19 and I owe you protection for now and a safe relationship throughout our livesHetal Mehta mother to twoyearold girlHetal Mehta is a canine behaviorist and pet photographerWhen by girl was a newborn I desperately wanted some time to myself So I would put on loud music to drown out her crying whenever I went for a shower to get those 15 to 20 minutes all to myself without feeling the urge to run out of the bathroomNow that she is two years old I intentionally leave her alone in the room even though I have free time because I want her to realise that I will not be around the whole time She has to learn how to be by herself how to play and enjoy even if she is aloneAlso Read Connecting with nature Exploring how Mumbaikars can go camping and tips for beginnersPavithra Levin mother to 10yearold boyPavithra Levin is a homemaker Seen with AdrianAfter dedicating myself for more than eight years to bringing up my son I decided to start taking time out for myself I started going out on either Saturday or Sunday to spend some time with friends There was motherrsquos guilt initially because the weekend is supposed to be ldquofamily timerdquo But on weekends my husband was free to take over the parenting duties Also there is the ageold feeling of whether it is morally okay to leave a young son behind while I go out and have some fun But then I slowly realised that if Irsquom not happy then I canrsquot be a good mother Now my son insists I go out to meet friends at least once a week I think I have won that particular battleSalma Prabhu mama to 32yearold manSalma Prabhu a clinical psychologisy and author with AnmolAs a mother I did not do anything which was not my nature I did not wake up early to make him breakfast his father did that while I packed the tiffin at night I woke up early when it was required and not because I had to If he did not want to eat something which was rare I left him alone but had it myself I went for his school functions when I could and skipped when I could notTill he was 10 I ensured he got all the attention he needed I always got equal support from his father and did not hesitate to take help from my parents and inlaws We donrsquot have to be super mothers we can ask for helpThe reward is watching him respect women and not because she is a mother or sister And to add to the knowledge and skills he learnt from meWe can cry in each otherrsquos arms and he is not going to judge me because I am being emotional or sensitive or doing things which mothers generally donrsquot do He knows I am a rebel and communication is the best way to understand each otherRecently I was a bit emotional and he said ldquoHelp me understand you betterrdquo It has been fulfilling to watch him and his wife work in sync to set up home and life in a new country figuring it all out togetherThe essence is that mothers are expected to put their children first and sacrifice their own priorities I preferred making him independent rather than me becoming indispensableAlso Read lsquoDrafting a living will safeguards your right to live and die with dignityrsquoJaya Kala mother to 15yearold and 21yearold menJaya Kala risk analyst with Sidney and NeeluThere is a time when children need their mother completely but one also has to teach them to do for themselves things that will make them successful human beingsAs mother of boys it was very important for me that they know how to perform domestic duties regularly and care for others Itrsquos my younger sonrsquos duty for years to make me tea when I come home from work or in the morning and not the other way around When he started showing interest in cooking at a young age we encouraged it not as a hobby but as a life skill We take turns cooking the different meals of the day and duties of grocery shopping caring for pets nurturing the garden as everyday tasksFestivals are family projects for us and we divide up the cleaning cooking decoration tasks We lend them out to help family members so that they learn caregiving Go with your cousin to make a presentation about menstrual cups petsit for the aunt so she can go to work oversee home repairs go with a grandparent to the doctorAs they grew I travelled for longer periods of timemdashweeks and monthsmdashso that they could learn to take care of the home and themselves And the travel was not for unavoidable work or emergencies but for things that fulfill me A trek to Everest Base Camp to give kathak exams to spend alone time in my home in India I hope this makes them see all women as threedimensional beings and not just the role they perform for them As mothers sisters and partners