Heena Sidhu returns - From batting depression and becoming a mother

Life has come a full circle for former World No1 pistol shooter Heena SidhuSince the COVID19 lockdown and the three waves that followed Sidhu 32 has experienced a myriad emotions from the lows of battling loneliness and depression to the highs of being a dog mom and most recently a mum to daughter ReyahBhopal beckonsA return to the shooting range is on the cards as Sidhu prepares for next monthrsquos national selection trials in Bhopal However she insists that there is no specific target or competition in mind ldquoI started shooting in midJanuary and have been quite consistent since For me itrsquos important to get back to the sport in the right frame of mind and with the right techniquerdquo Sidhu tells Sunday middayHeena with husband Ronak PanditDaughter Reyah three months has obviously had an impact on the sharpshooterrsquos lifestyle ldquoWith Reyah the dynamics of my life have changed The process of getting back includes not just taking care of Reyah but taking care of myself and also accommodating a lot of things in life Letrsquos see where things take merdquo adds Sidhu who became the first Indian pistol shooter to win 10m air pistol gold in the 2013 ISSF World CupThe lockdown was particularly tough on Sidhu as she was pregnant during the time ldquoBeing pregnant during the COVID19 pandemic was not easy It took away the charm of having a baby as I could not be surrounded by family I couldnrsquot do anything it was an uneventful pregnancy After Reyah was born I was scared when some of my own family members would pick her up I thought kahin usko COVID19 na ho jaaye she should not get the virusrdquo says the twotime Olympian India shooter Heena Sidhu during the mixed 10m air pistol qualification round of the 2019 ISSF World Cup in New Delhi PicGetty ImagesMotherhood comes with a whole lot of challenges and Sidhu admits that at times she questioned the things around her Just two months after the arrival of her daughter Sidhu shifted to a bigger home in Punersquos Gahunje area The refurbishment of the house alongwith mommy duties have been tough ldquoReyah was born in November and we shifted in January Taking care of Reyah and simultaneously managing work at our new home has been tough It took me over a month to get settled Then in February husband Ronak Pandit had to leave for work and since then Irsquove been alone attending to both Reyah and our home Giving birth is one thing but taking care of your child is totally different At times it feels like all of this is costing me my identitymdashwho I was and who I used to be These are not easy thoughts At times I felt as though Irsquove had this baby at the cost of my careerrdquo says Sidhu a 2018 Commonwealth Games gold medalwinner who had to take a break from shooting right before the pandemic since she was struggling with depressionHow depression set inldquoSince my husband is also my coach shooting became part of my personal life too It took over most of the relationships and eventually my shooting suffered How long can you keep winning medals I stopped shooting and slipped into a low Thatrsquos when I decided to take a break from the sport Due to depression I had no balance in my life I didnrsquot have many friends and only kept to myself I was lonely I was mechanical but humans are social animals who love and crave attention Irsquove had to seek professional help to tackle depression Irsquom fine now but a part of me is scared because Irsquom a perfectionist and I tend to go after things even at the cost of my own happiness The moment I get into a shooting match I start being tough on myself So I fear the beast inside me will wake up againrdquo says Sidhu who sought comfort in her pet dog Oscar a beagle ldquoI began treating Oscar like my own baby Playing with him helped me His unconditional love is one of the reasons I got out of depression When I walked him I met others who came with their dogs And today some of them have become my 2 am friendsrdquoexplains SidhuInterestingly the two years away from shooting made Sidhu realise what the sport means to her ldquoThe two years since Irsquove been off competitive shooting I realised that I loved myself when I used to shoot Not because I won medals As a person shooting gave me a lot of self respectrdquo she says So which role does she cherishmdasha shooter daughter wife or mother ldquoI feel all my roles are important Itrsquos impossible to prioritise one above another I am a complete individual only because all my roles are equally important to merdquo she signs off