Laughs, gaffes and pun in the sun

I found the exercise irresistible spurred by a recent revelation Only last week did I discover that my husband shares his October 15 birthday with PG Wodehouse A huge fan of the writer I vote the best humorist on the planet I decided todayrsquos theme should simply be oneliners from conversations that have left us in splits during interviews for this city columnBaa baa best sheepFrom midtown Clare Road come a couple of lines worth rereading Which knitter could resist the sweeping assurance of the tag line ldquoWendyrsquosmdashno better wool till there are better sheeprdquo Piled skeins of that popular British brand would readily fly off the shelves of filmmaker Rafeeq Elliasrsquo grandfatherrsquos Amir Store Mohammed Joosab Ellias opened the haberdashery around 1945 naming the shop after his son The legendary sports commentator AFS Talyarkhan transmitting a trenchant take on a match in his heydayLong live the deadOn the same bustling East Byculla street funeral director John Pinto said ldquoEveryone deserves a good sendoffrdquo His embalming company ensures this Pinto is the worldrsquos only undertaker to be appointed MBE Member of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empirendashfor repatriating 2611 terror victims to theirhome countriesAlso read Now Mumbairsquos strays have a cemetry to call their ownFrank Binks and Edward Jones preceded John Pintorsquos services on the street The flashy Jones hearse wryly pitched ldquoHave your last ride in a Rolls Roycerdquo Local kids would slyly query ldquoHowrsquos business Mr Jonesrdquo Just for the naughty satisfaction of hearing his standard moan of a classic reply ldquoVery badndashno bastards are dyingrdquoFilmmaker Rafeeq Ellias whose grandfatherrsquos haberdashery Amir Store was popular on Clare Road in Byculla File picsBrother is watchingIn the column titled Lodged between a hotel and a hostel I wrote about South Kanara hospitality coming to Bombay a century ago That set of interviews sprang one of the drollest phrases ldquoDuplicate Duplicate I can tell theyrsquore duplicaterdquo In a voice ripe with selfrighteous indignation that was Keshava Acharya belonging to a vanishing breed of loyalist majordomos He still works at the New Vasantashram boarding and lodging house near Crawford Market where he joined at 22 Wanting to keep the reputation of his employer Sujata Raorsquos lodge spotless as his white starched dhoti Acharya has well over 50 years of experience in fixing a gimlet eye on guests whose relationship status he can ascertain at swift glancemdashldquoduplicatesrdquo are unmarried couplesUnlucky if luckyWhile chatting with several colourful characters for a column on Sleater Road I learnt about the erstwhile Parsi Mandal The group encouraged the lanersquos old ladies to glean delicious gossip amid some superficial chat about civic affairs An anecdote unforgettably described the adda of Ramu Dada causing late evening traffic jams As gamblers thronged hoping to win the satta jackpot the matka king shouted a nifty ditty in consternation ldquoBawa aao buwa aao bus naseebwala mat aao Come one come all only the lucky must not comerdquoMusician Maurice Concessio with his van a familiar fixture in Bandra of the pastBats and balls Working on an article tracing Bombayrsquos radio history I remembered personal encounters with the incorrigible AFS ldquoBobbyrdquo Talyarkhan better known as AFST Mine was the privilege of meeting the legendary sports journalist and commentator at the Cricket Club of India over many a Sunday afternoon for a story for The Illustrated Weekly of India months before his death in July 1990 His was the gift to regale any listener with amusing repartee delivered crisp and utterly deadpan Averse to sharing the mike he could speak nonstop for six hours a feat repeated often enough for the editor Frank Moraes to quip ldquoBobbyrsquos bladder is as strong as his blubberrdquoAn introduction to the eugenics campaigner Marie Stopes by AIR boss KB Sethna in the lift of the Taj Hotel proved a tad embarrassing ldquoWhat do you broadcast aboutrdquo she asked AFST ldquoBallsrdquo he answered hurriedly adding ldquoand batsrdquo Dr Stopes most severely handed him her book on birth control Shooting back he observed ldquoIf the dear lady visited the hotel chemist that hotgospeller of family planning would see more material aids of an intimate nature than found along the Rue Blanche in the days which were all nightsrdquo Rambunctious on radio In Radio Ceylonrsquos heyday Daniel Molina an American in Bombay set up Radio Advertising Services Hamid Sayani ran its production wing with greats like Balgovind Shrivastav and Manmohan Krishna To improve his Hindustani accent Hamidrsquos radio host brother Ameen attended sessions at the radio technology training studio in St Xavierrsquos College One day an announcer for the Ovaltine Phulwari programme which showcased promising singers failed to show up Spotting young Ameen hang around Shrivastav asked him to read three Hindi commercials ldquoI punched them with the volume of Mark Antonyrsquos speechrdquo Sayani recalled ldquoChillaana kyon Yeh radio programme hain kushti ka akhaada nahirdquo he was admonished and duly quietenedDonrsquot be cheapThough quaint Udupi and Irani bakery instructions have since long been an intrinsic part of urban lore some originals continue to leave us grinning Like the frame above the takeaway rack of Anand Bhavan in Ram Niwas Haridas Nayakrsquos 1946introduced eatery at Wadala Circle Rowed with masalas and pickles this conclusively states ldquoCustomer is the King and a King Never BargainsrdquoIn the same building another homespun truism declares ldquoMoney canrsquot buy happiness but you can buy pao and thatrsquos kind of the same thingrdquo Beneath this wall scrawl Hushang Mazdayasna attends to regulars streaming in He is among the third generation running New Roshan Bakery established in 1934 on a soap factory siteMusic magicSome not necessarily laughoutloud lines have a simple sweetness of their own Between Bandrarsquos bougainvilleabrushed lanes through narrow paths trundled the green van of Maurice Concessiorsquos band Rock Sensation Across its sides sprinkled with blackpainted musical notes blazed the tagline ldquoMusic grows where Maurice goesrdquo I loved that thought and tone each time I came upon this Matador wending its way around our home acres Chic Chocolate and Ken Macrsquos trombone player of the 1940s Concessio formed his 16member brass troupe in 1964 and went on to widely entertain very appreciative audiences including guests at the Oberoi Sheraton when the Supper Club opened there in 1973 Picture panacheThe screen industry has always sprung catchphrases of easy charm alliteration and rhyme Exhibiting MGM movies for the first time in the city Metro opened in June 1938 with the screening of the film Broadway Melody The cinema designed by American architect Thomas W Lamb was completed in tandem with the Bombay firm of Ditchburn Mistri and Bhedwar Its grand inauguration was greeted by protests from Parsi distributors who then more or less monopolised the theatre trade Soon however given its leaning towards all things Western the community turned staunch Hollywood buffs and stood far ahead in queues to book seats In matinees priced between 60 paise and R160 to more expensive night shows they thrilled to the MGM lionrsquos roar Airconditioned Metrorsquos publicity line was ldquoEvery seat a cool retreatrdquoThe Regal whose plush auditorium curtain rose five years before Metro was designed by the Czech artist Karl Schara with sun ray motifs in pale orange and jade green The tag line said to have been coined for it was interestingly curious ldquoOur true intent is all for your DelightrdquoMissing maniaQuirky anecdotes about the romance of single screen theatres abound Many ushers used to fling Coca Cola bottle caps at the screen when hit songs appeared to incite audiences into thinking these were coins to throw likewise Postshow the staff divided the tinkling metal cascade Operating digital projectors means no disruptive break of either film flow or flickering screen Who can blame the old projectionist who sadly confesses he misses being roundly abused by irate filmgoers ldquoAb toh gaali bhi nahi padti hum gaali khaane ke liye taras rahe hairdquoHaar ke aageyhellipThe sunniest meme once greeted me at Khodadad Circle or Dadar TT Tram Terminus A florist settling for the day with baskets of blooms started to thread torans on the footpath fronting Dayaram Damodar Mithaiwala He found himself surrounded by a queue of irate housewives from both neighbouring colonies Hindu and Parsi Frazzled from his daily morning commute on overcrowded peakhour trains running late he tried to beat back the fatigue and smiled valiantly to placate waiting customers They grew mollified by the mild manner and goodnatured smile as he pointed to the sweaty Tshirt sticking to his chest in the scorching October heat His little daughter had scrawled in paint words guaranteed to melt the angriest stance ldquoHaar ke aagey jeet hai Dadar ke aagey seat hairdquoAuthorpublisher Meher Marfatia writes fortnightly on everything that makes her love Mumbai and adore Bombay You can reach her at mehermarfatiamiddaycomwwwmeher marfatiacom