I love you. Let’s start a start-up

Theyrsquove been married for oh over two decades Thatrsquos my guess Hersquos in his early 50s she a few years younger Theyrsquove ordered drinks and food at a Michelinstarred restaurant and now shersquos pulled out her mobile phone and is doomscrolling He covertly scopes out the other tables checking out pretty younger women who probably wouldnrsquot give him a second look Soon enough his phone also emerges and he disappears into his rabbit holeThis is not fiction Every time Irsquom at a restaurant I see such couples all victims of ldquolong happy marriagesrdquo Their conversations are over and there are no more surprises Their children left the nest recently but the magic left long ago Hersquos not yet retired shersquos not yet menopaused He finds her routinely predictable even boring She will never tell him she still gets compliments from younger menOne day some Gen Z reporter will interview them about the secrets of a long and happy marriage They will both pretend to have one and smile for the cameraThe myth is that Indians especially women are the worldrsquos best at sustaining relationships This apparently explains why India has the worldrsquos lowest divorce rate 1 per cent For all those who think this is more proof that we are the greatest here are some numbersOne in three Indian women has experienced physical violence from her marriage partner Every day between 2016 and 2020 20 Indians committed suicide because of marriagerelated issuesmdashthatrsquos 37600 suicides caused by marriage Indian reality is tired couples with nothing left to talk about staying together because of the stigma of divorce her economic dependence on him and besides what will everyone sayNo wonder most marriages seem to lose their shine and glow soon after the fantasy wedding in Phuket or Istanbul quickly becoming cages for tedious loveless and angry couples who now lead their own separate lives Some of them now see through the charade of wedlock and understand that what human beings need is not marriage but a human connection called a relationshipI know a clutch of happy couples who found that human connection and became close friends finding contentment and fulfilment with each other as they aged I want to share some of their unexpected and counterintuitive wisdom1 Make the relationship the goal not the marriage You can get married in a day but even a lifetime is not enough for a relationship Indian society values marriage more than the relationship treating the event as more important than the quality of life and love that follows it Too many young men and women are paying a heavy price for believing this Marriage should be the irrelevant byproduct of agreat relationship2 How happy you are together depends on how often you get out of each otherrsquos way The pandemic showed us relentlessly that human beings grow desperate and vicious if they are cooped up together for too long But married couples are expected to be inextricably intertwined forever and ever despite their many divergent discrepancies She likes having people over he likes a quiet home he sleeps early shersquos a night owl He likes to cook she loves restauranthopping Letting each other have their own space and life it seems is a great way to enjoy the moments when you come together3 Have your own bedrooms Shocking advice right If yoursquore married itrsquos sacrilege not to sleep on the same bed But human beings are chaotic and peripatetic in bed They sprawl fight over blankets fart and belch snore and read late keeping the lamp on Sleeping alone says secondtime husband and friend Shyam Ramanna gives you a night of great sleep It also ensures that sleeping together is a conscious mutual choice driven by an overwhelming need for a serious cuddle4 Do keep secrets from each other Not the infidelity kind The best couples donrsquot feel the need to share every detail of their days and lives with each other Theyrsquore not texting each other around the clock They donrsquot treat each other like emotional ATMs Secrets make a person more mysterious and enigmaticmdashand more interesting to be around5 Donrsquot pretend you donrsquot find other people attractive Being in a relationship doesnrsquot mean you wonrsquot occasionally find something about another man or woman attractive You might even fantasise a little The couple that can share such thoughts without feeling threatened or insecure is in a great placeMy late brother who was widowed after a short marriage once said that marriage is the only legally binding relationship that two people enter without reading the fine print When divorce happens though all thatrsquos left is the fine printSo donrsquot take anything for granted Follow the rules of two companies coming together Integrate your finances donrsquot expect everything to be shared 5050 and support each other in taking risks Read the other personrsquos fine print and expect it to change unpredictably throughout your livesDonrsquot think of it as a merger The best relationships are startupsYou can reach C Y Gopinath at cygopigmailcomSend your feedback to mailbagmiddaycomThe views expressed in this column are the individualrsquos and donrsquot represent those of the paper