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I was diagnosed with Bipolar around 13-14 years ago, says Shama Sikander
Updated On: 12 October, 2022 12:47 AM IST | Mumbai | Satish Sundaresan
Mid-Day Online caught up with her to find out more about it
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After having made a name for herself in TV serials and films, Shama Sikander went onto do music videos and web series. By her own confession, she was suffering from Bipolar disorder. Mid-Day Online caught up with her to find out more about it.
Shama, have you ever struggled with any kind of clinically diagnosed mental health condition? If so, will you be comfortable sharing your experience?
Yes. I was diagnosed with Bipolar and depression around 13-14 years ago. I was on medication for 5 year and then stopped. I did a lot of cognitive therapy which really helped me segregate my thoughts and trauma and face them which is so important to heal. I learnt most of the trauma came from small things which then subconsciously practiced over time became an underlying habit which then depicted my life in a very traumatic way, it also taught me a lot of my trauma happened in childhood. All my depression came from genetics combined by my own experiences in life which taught my brain to think in a particular way which then led to severe depression and extreme boredom. I didn’t believe in people anymore, I stayed at home and didn`t meet anyone. My career was on top but I was extremely unhappy and confused. I couldn`t understand where so much sadness came from. It was so torturous that I became numb and I didn’t understand what was happening to me and who can I discuss it with. Even the ones I shared my issues with couldn`t understand, and told me you should go out and you should stop feeling so sad but they didn’t know or couldn’t understand it was not in my control. Not anymore at least till I could face my traumas and heal and find my power again. I even tried to commit suicide after living like a vegetable every day for 2 years without having any direction and want or desire to do anything i got really tired and I used to cry every day without fail for hours and couldn’t sleep. My cry was so painful that it was as if I lost someone most dear to me everytime I cried I felt that grief. It was the darkest, most difficult time of my life.
What personal development efforts have you made to overcome your mental health issues?
A lot. I took medicines for a few years but that only made me very sleepy. What really healed me was cognitive therapy. It’s a deep meditative state where someone who’s a professional, a therapist guides you back to find what’s the actual cause of your pain and boredom. I did it without fail for 5 years. Mind is a fascinating thing. You will be surprised how it plays games with us to keep us safe of course but that also has its side effects. I learnt a lot of my authentic self and found the real me again. I found my voice, my courage. I found my hope which by the way is the most important thing to have in this world to look forward to life. Once I stopped my therapy I continued my breathing exercises which then led me to a lot of meditation and yoga. And now it’s an everyday practice and a way of life for me. I exercised on a daily basis even when I felt I couldn`t. I used to make myself get up and go and start walking. As I learnt I was the only one who could save myself. And I love myself truly. So, I very consciously learn what is good for my health and well-being and I intentionally do it.
When did you realize that you have mental health issues that need to be addressed?
When I was crying every day and couldn’t understand what was happening and I thought I was never going to feel better then I decided to give my life. It was 12/13 years ago. I told my mother bye and told her I was very tired so I wanted to sleep so pls don’t wake me up. And I had a lot of sleeping pills for some other physical issues I was facing at the time. I ate all the pills and slept. I have no idea how my family came to know after a few hours and they rushed me to the nearest hospital at night and somehow got me admitted and overnight the doctors removed all the poison out of me. I was a very happy go lucky person and I was quite strong as well so to do something like that for someone like me was unbelievable for everyone around me. And at that time one of my friends who had a degree in psychology told me about bipolar and depression. It was the first time in my life I had heard those words. He actually begged me to go to a doctor because I wasn’t convinced that I was ever going to be fine but after meeting a psychiatrist he assured me that I would be better. I just have to allow myself that much time and it is going to be a lot of work.
Did you try talking / discussing the same with anyone?
Yes but as I said no one at that time spoke of mental health. These issues started coming out when I spoke then Deepika spoke and then many actors/artists came out. It really brought these words into our vocabulary. Today so many people talk about mental health also thanks to the internet. We have some amazing doctors/professors/mind coaches/ professionals talking on YouTube giving free knowledge and guided meditations. May they be blessed forever for the amount of pain they must have gone through to decide to then share their experiences/ life learnings with the world today.
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